my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
