I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
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