I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"