God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.