Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
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You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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