omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
