I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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