My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
