I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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