Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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