yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
