my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
