if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
