Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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