saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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