I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
