just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize
