I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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