Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
