I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
