I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There are leaves in my underwear?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
