All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
