Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
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i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
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He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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