Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
