I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
