So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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