I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
