Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
