My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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