Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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