it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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