All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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