And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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