New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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