Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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