My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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