Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
