I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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