God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
