Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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