So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
