Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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