I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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