I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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