Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he was CRYING into my vagina
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
