just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
