Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
