My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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