i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
