Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
