so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
