I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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