Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
