if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
