My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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