Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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