Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
