I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
