My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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