you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize