She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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