How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
